so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
