So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
