my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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