Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
