he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
