I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
