I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
