By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
