i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
