The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
