Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
