Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
