Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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