his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
