So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
