everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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