alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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