Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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