Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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