My nipple is on Facebook.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
