this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Couch. On fire.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
