my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I am full of burrito and curiosity
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize