Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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