20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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