I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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