uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
