no, he came in my armpit
it was like his penis was on wheels.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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