My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
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