I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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