just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
