Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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