so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
