What did we do last night that was yellow?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
