Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
