Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
