watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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