don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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