I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
