I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
