I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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