you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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