I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
