I am spending my child support on dildos
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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