Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
