Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize