i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
