found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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