The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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