after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
