I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
