he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize