i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
