Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
