My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize