Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
