Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
