Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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