How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
