you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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