I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
