Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
