let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I deserve this hangover.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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