I think my fart just growled at me.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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