if i can run in heels then i can drive
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
