You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
