uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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