if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
