There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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