I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize