I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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