I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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